Be a Sweetie! Wipe the seatie

Confessions…..Not necessarily about intimacy but this is close. It falls into the TMI category. I cannot squat. Nope!!! I simply CANNOT do it. So for all you women who go potty in public bathrooms please clean the seat off for us survivors who must sit on the seat. Yes we paper the toilet seat to death.

We try very hard not to touch anything. We have a hard time squatting. If you have had a DIEP flap or similar you know what I mean. So please ladies, if you sprinkle while you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.  Oh and please flush!

Maybe another layer, just to make sure.





Mr Honesty


One lovely afternoon I received a message from a jolly looking gentleman. He had an marvelous profile telling about his love of life and his family. He was smiling big jolly happy smiles in his profile. I accepted the message and we emailed back and forth a bit before we decided to exchange numbers. We chatted on the phone a good 2 hours! It was a conversation that streamed pleasantly. We hit it off well on the phone! We continued to talk a lot. Every time we talked he was too busy to set a date to meet. During our conversations he discussed how honesty on line was something people lacked. He described how he met people who weren’t their correct age or weight. He discussed that it was important not to hide anything from your potential date. I felt awkward withholding that I was a breast cancer survivor at this point so I blurted it all out. I mean someone should know that my boobs don’t look normal right? Especially since he seemed to be someone I liked and trusted on the phone. He thanked me for sharing! I felt relieved actually that I told him and it wouldn’t be something I had to explain later on.

Within a few days we planned on meeting. We decided to meet at an outside café in a neighboring town. I arrived early as I always do. I got a table for 2 and ordered my drink. I saw him approaching the table with his briefcase covering his body. He sat down without giving me the official hug and kiss on the cheek that would acknowledge you had actually talked and spoke before. He just sat down at the table across from me. His one hand remained on his lap while he moved his other hand to place his briefcase down. Once again he began to talk to me about honesty and how he was happy I actually looked like my pictures and hadn’t deceived him.   I hadn’t really observed that his one left hand stayed on his lap and he only used his right hand. About half way into the conversation at dinner, he raised his arm to show me he had a deformity in his hand and asked me to say hello to “stumpy”. I was shocked!  Not with the fact that he had a physical deformity either!  I was shocked that he was demanding honesty while being dishonest himself!   Why engage in a full conversation for weeks about honesty and than fail to share this with me? I felt betrayed. I had no issue whatsoever with his lack of a hand. I had an issue with his lack of honesty. Why would someone demand honesty only to be dishonest? Not telling a truth is being dishonest. When I said this to him he began to yell and berate me. No second date here either….Will I ever meet anyone honest and worthy?

#honestyisthebestpolicy   #onlinedating  #seconddate  #noseconddate  #firstdateblues






Not all first dates are bad. I happened to meet a very nice gentleman who seemed to have it all one lovely evening. We had some chemistry, and had that special ease to talk to each other. The first evening drinks went smoothly. We chatted over gin martinis in this lovely little bar nestled in a very posh part of town. Martinis turned into dinner and we didn’t want the date to end.We texted each other and spoke on the phone the next week daily.  My stomach had sweet butterflies every times I saw his text come through or his name on my caller id.  Yay!  A nice guy has come my way!!  #datingover50

Date 2 was just as lovely. He was the gentleman I had always wanted. This wonderful handsome tall dark (little grey) and handsome man Ordered for me opened the door for me. Yes I am independent and can order my own food, but I think it is a special thing for a man to do that. This would be the guy who would lay his coat out over a puddle for you so your shoes didn’t get wet. Chivalry is NOT dead! Again the night went smoothly. We laughed and shared points of our lives to each other that don’t normally come out in a second date. I felt like I knew him forever. During the conversation he told me that he might need to go to China on business soon for a few months. No worries as I knew part of his business was in China. We made out outside my car like teenagers. I was smitten!

Third date was equally as wonderful, back to where we had our first date. Martinis and dinner were delectable! I felt safe with this guy and loved everything about this new budding romance. Than with tears in his eyes, he said he needed to tell me something. He wasn’t actually going to China. He was going to jail. He wasn’t sure what his sentence would be and so he continued to date. Now he knew he would be going to jail for 3 years. His nephew whom worked for the company that he was president of embezzled over 10 million dollars. When he found out about it, he approached the bank the money was taken from and offered them to pay it back with a lot of interest apparently. This was considered bribery and he was convicted and given the maximum sentence. He asked’ “Would I like to write him in jail and visit him?”. My answer was “No thank you”. Next………..





The Magician

stock-vector-magician-pulling-out-a-rabbit-from-his-top-hat-145681025On Line dating web sites here I come! I’m ready willing and able to find HIM! Yippie! So I go online to a few different ones. One for older singles…You know second time arounders which certainly sounds like me. One of the sites I applied to was for a general group of on line daters and thirdly a free site. It amazes me that most of the same people are on all of them. So I get to email many of these stellar gentlemen. It is exciting that all these men are interested inme! I am attractive and curvy in all the right places. I wear a size 10. Green eyes that will kill you and I am pretty cute. I will be blogging about the dates I have gone on!…

Here is number 1.

He is a magician. Famous apparently also! (He didn’t want to reveal his name just in case I knew of him…I didn’t think his picture looked familiar but I don’t know many magicians. ) His magical Blue eyes were to DIE for. I am smitten by his picture. He definitely looks handsome! We had a nice phone conversation and I agreed to meet him for a drink at a local restaurant in an upscale mall.

Friends have told me to always arrive early so that I can introduce myself to the bartender and let them know what is going on.   It does make me feel safer and I like this idea, so off I went early.

He arrived on time while I was sipping my gin martini. We gave each other the usual pleasant hello hug. He orders a drink and we begin the courting dance. The conversation is great. He has a warm smile and seems oh so sweet. He asks about me and I am frank with him. I am a widow who survived breast cancer. He is amazed at my ability to take care of myself and still seek a man not because I NEED one but because I want one. He than decides to show off a bit. He does some magic tricks right at the bar. I am mesmerized by his slight of hand tricks. He reveals his name. Sorry I never ever heard of him before, so apparently he was famous in his own mind. His career brought him on various cruise ships. Does that make you famous? I’m not so sure. Finally as the conversation began to flow he asked me this question, “So with your husband passed away, do you believe in life after death? Does he come to see you?”

I am shocked by this question. But I decide to tell him my truth. I reply, “Yes, actually, I never believed in that before he passed. Now I know my husband is around and I he has sent me many signs that he is still watching over me.” He asked, “Have you seen a medium about him?” Not knowing what to say except the truth I replied, “Yes I have, I had a 2 hour conversation with him where he told me things that no one would ever know! It was very comforting and lovely!”.

I smiled that awkward smile when one finishes a sentence and waits for a response back. He stood up quickly and exclaimed, “JESUS CHRIST IS THE LORD MY SAVIOR, THIS IS THE BLACK OCCULT AND I WILL HAVE NO PART OF IT!  I need to use the mens room.”

Mr. Magician up and left, the poor bartender just looked sadly at me and laughed. Apparently he heard the whole conversation as I did ask him to watch over me. Now I wasn’t sure if I should leave or not. So I had to stay and find out. When he returned he said to me that he couldn’t date me since I believed in the black occult. I said to him yes, I would have a hard time dating him as well as I have since become a practicing witch. We left. And I knew I wouldn’t hear from him again. Until 3 days later when he left me a voice mail that said he enjoyed meeting me very much and could I please give him another chance. Needless to say this Italian Irish Catholic girl never responded back. I still have the message to make myself laugh. Good times! Date one done!

And Just Like That He Was Gone!

So now what?  I date…I join the dating world…..And here are the stories that go with it.  BTW he is married now to someone else….

Isn’t this a wonderful beginning to a new world of dates?  I know I will find Mr. Right!  It is my time!  I have been awakened!  I can breathe and I am ready to begin a new chapter in my life….

My born again virginity is about to go…

Back at my condo, I try to avoid the inevitable. He is looking at me. He knows. He knows how I feel. He sees me melting. He sees my walls going down. Do not kiss him. Do not hug him. But I do. I know his kiss. I know his taste. I have tasted him in my dreams. I have been in his arms many times. His smell is familiar. This isn’t the first time I have kissed him. Don’t analyze this. It is mystical. Mystical is wonderful.

What is a guy like him going to want to do with this silly show? He is smoking a cigar? That is so much better. He is going to help me with the food I made and bringing it to the car. How sweet! Ask again, it is a text so it isn’t as real….And now he is coming! Yay. I get to spend some time with him! No wait! My daughter! Ummm, now what? He is in the shower. Hmmm, there are those intimate thoughts again! Stop thinking that way! Get ready.

The restaurant show is fun and silly. It is important for me to make a fun and memorable night for my daughter. I get the hats and feather piece for my hair. Its fun and silly and there is his hand again on my back during dinner. There is that electricity again. He isn’t just touching my back. What a wonderful man this is next to me. Why do I feel this way? Similar lives in some way. I know the way he moves his body. I know his voice. I can see the pain of his heart. I know I cant fix it as he will be scarred, like you, but I can make him know how special he is. I can feel his soul and his goodness in every touch. I can feel his authenticity.   I know he is honest. This gentle man has had his share of heartache. Lets get out of here and go back to the hotel and explore this mystery. Even if only for a minute of time in this life.

Back at his condo. Music is an vital part of creating a moment. And the first song to come on? Nickleback Photograph…my husbands favorite song. Oh dead hubby what are you telling me? We talk. Evanescence. Bring me to life. The song I implore someone to do to me. His dead wife had sentiments to that song as well. Are our dead spouses talking to us bringing us together?  All I have ever sought was for someone to bring me back to life. Now that I know what you’re about, you can’t just leave me. Don’t leave me. Not tonight. I feel like I am falling into something. An abyss of sorts. Love? No…Knowing that, if I was this is exactly how I would want it to be. Maybe I am for now. Let it happen. He is so extraordinary. And he doesn’t even know it!

My head fits into his shoulder. Home. I feel like am home. I am touched by the music stirring gentle vibrations in my soul, the smell of his cigar inflames my sense of smell, the feel of his shirt on my face kindles my sense of touch, the soft kisses he gives me awakens my sense of desire. Unlock me.

My whole body was his, my mind belonged to him, and my soul belonged to him. This moment was ours. Unraveled and loosened is what he was doing to me.

Reality. What did I do? How could I let myself get carried away? I have to get out of here. His arms around me feel amazing. Strong and independent!! I cannot become dependent on being held by him. Just stay a little while longer.

Safe…secure….loved….loving….No…it is to much for one night.No one except the doctors has seen my new architecturally different body.  I had no shame. I need to breathe….Good night my new love…Wow..

My awakening….


A year after my cancer, I had to travel to help my child as she settled into a new postion states away. I met someone that stole my heart from the first second I saw him so far away.  That hasnt happened in forever!  NOW WHAT??  Here is the story…

After the fact…My heart aches. Unlocked for one minute in time. I questions are if it was better to know this type of thing would never happen.   Is it possible to recognize someone before you even meet? Would I have been better off never having this type of emotion knowing it could ever exist? Maybe! But I will never forget how he touched not only my body, but my soul. I can’t stop thinking about the man I am not supposed to think about and when I think about him my heart ands soul sings.


My journal…

About a week and a half into my trip, once my own daughter was somewhat settled, I sipped coffee on my balcony overlooking the pool of my condo complex. Peaceful! I was Finally feeling serenity and unlocking my tense body. The last few months were small life changing events that were a tiny bit stressful but manageable. And than… That moment I saw him, sitting alone. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I completed his story in my head. His wife was in the room and she was dealing with the kids, His must be on his second marriage he looks to old for little ones.   He was here on business while his wife waited at home. Why am I doing this? Is he is someone I know? He is familiar.   No he isn’t! You have bad eyesight! But I was compelled to look at him lying there. I was even afraid to go through with my plans and go to the pool. Why? This is silly. But I did eventually go. These thoughts were irrational. I am not the foolish one. I am the planner. All is neat and tidy in my world. No one gets to see the real me.

I sauntered down to the pool. I saw him out of the side of my eye. I told myself not to look at him while I felt his eyes penetrate me. Nothing more will penetrate you. Just his stare. He will not unlock you. And so I sat in my chair away from him. I distracted myself by reading, chatting to other families. Yet my eyes kept going back to him. My heart longed to meet him, hadn’t I already? My ears needed to hear him, but I know I already have. Where do I know him from? When did I meet him? Was it only in my dreams? It couldn’t be. THINK! Oh no, here he comes!

One eye open and one eye closed. Damn! He is so cute! Is his eye really like that? Maybe it is the sun…(It was the sun) I was alone for to long! You gave him the chance to come over! This guy isn’t the guy for you. He is a random stranger whose wife is home. No, this guy is the one who will unlock you. NO! I argue like a cracked woman in my own head. Words no one will hear but myself. Where is my neat and tidy? Where is logic?

Ok just be nice. What is your name? Mykar? Hmmm…I knew there was reason I traveled to Turkey. How do you even spell Mykar? Armenian? Like my good friends husband!   I know Armenian! Not married? Ummmm. See I told you!!! Oh stop!!! He is a kind man at the pool. Just talk….and swim. Dora comes to mind…Just keep swimming. Yes I am senseless and so is she and you just went to saw that cute little movie. The conversation drifts seamlessly. We float together with noodles. Inferences are made. You have rules! (Please note I live my Steve Harvey’s rules..No sex for at least 3 months…Not many have made it that far!  Thank you Steve!) And they are even in effect in a different state. 3 months. No breaking the rules! My little voice tells me he is the reason I had the rules in place to begin with! There are those foolish thoughts again. Go with it. Feel with your heart again. Don’t think about it This is right. This has never felt so right. No retreat! Back off. Walk away. You have dinner plans with the kids tonight.

He just touched my back. I can smell the chlorine in the air. I can feel the sun on my skin burning me on the outside like he is burning a place inside of me. Remember this moment! You will not ever want to forget. I know those hands. I have felt them before. He looked at me! Look away! Don’t let him look yet. He is still looking! Oh no! He sees who I am. I know he does. He sees past the big personality and sees me. No! I wont let that happen. But, I am sure he knows me also.

Drinks, chatting, laughing, this is how life is supposed to be. Easy and fun, and flirtatious. But it is more than that. Unlocking. me Don’t get attached in an hour or so , Rhode Island? Pretty close! So much closer than your rational thoughts of meeting someone British and moving far far away to England! But it is England and a countryside little fishing village. And we both know that will never happen…Just go yourself and enjoy the fish and chips and leave. That is rational! Why am I arguing with myself again? Jeweler? I like jewelry! Oh shoot I would say the wrong thing if I said that make note not to and make sure he knows you can get your own. Widowed? Ok this is to weird. 45? He is to young for you. You are not a cougar you did that already!   No children? He deserves children and you can’t give him that? Your daughter would love a father figure in her life and we both want someone her kids call grandpa. He has a sweet soul. And that is why he deserves to have his own! See he isn’t supposed to unlock you.

His hand touches me again. I throb in all the right places. I picture us being intimate.  Unlocking me. Stop this and be rational! You have Dinner plans with the child and one of her new working friends. Invite him! Are you insane for real!? How do you explain that to your daughter? Tell her he could be grandpa? Please!!!! You’re nuts! Keep this man away. He wouldn’t mind. He is alone on vacation and this is silly fun. Lets go! No. Don’t ask! Ok good. I wont ask. Fine! If he wants you, he will ask. Unlock me. Did I just ask for him to come? Oh no! Go get ready and stop this. Neat and tidy life.

First blog post

Yes yes yes…I am here doing this…I have always wanted to blog.  So much to say.  So many stories.  It has been a rough few years as you can tell by my title!  Lost my husband of 20 years.  That was rough.  He was a diabetic in denial.  We miss him every day.  Than there was the breast cancer.  Yeah that was fun!  NOT!  I survived that also!   But this blog is about me and my new life.  And all the stories that go along with it.  Welcome!