My awakening….

Preface….

A year after my cancer, I had to travel to help my child as she settled into a new postion states away. I met someone that stole my heart from the first second I saw him so far away.  That hasnt happened in forever!  NOW WHAT??  Here is the story…

After the fact…My heart aches. Unlocked for one minute in time. I questions are if it was better to know this type of thing would never happen.   Is it possible to recognize someone before you even meet? Would I have been better off never having this type of emotion knowing it could ever exist? Maybe! But I will never forget how he touched not only my body, but my soul. I can’t stop thinking about the man I am not supposed to think about and when I think about him my heart ands soul sings.

 

My journal…

About a week and a half into my trip, once my own daughter was somewhat settled, I sipped coffee on my balcony overlooking the pool of my condo complex. Peaceful! I was Finally feeling serenity and unlocking my tense body. The last few months were small life changing events that were a tiny bit stressful but manageable. And than… That moment I saw him, sitting alone. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I completed his story in my head. His wife was in the room and she was dealing with the kids, His must be on his second marriage he looks to old for little ones.   He was here on business while his wife waited at home. Why am I doing this? Is he is someone I know? He is familiar.   No he isn’t! You have bad eyesight! But I was compelled to look at him lying there. I was even afraid to go through with my plans and go to the pool. Why? This is silly. But I did eventually go. These thoughts were irrational. I am not the foolish one. I am the planner. All is neat and tidy in my world. No one gets to see the real me.

I sauntered down to the pool. I saw him out of the side of my eye. I told myself not to look at him while I felt his eyes penetrate me. Nothing more will penetrate you. Just his stare. He will not unlock you. And so I sat in my chair away from him. I distracted myself by reading, chatting to other families. Yet my eyes kept going back to him. My heart longed to meet him, hadn’t I already? My ears needed to hear him, but I know I already have. Where do I know him from? When did I meet him? Was it only in my dreams? It couldn’t be. THINK! Oh no, here he comes!

One eye open and one eye closed. Damn! He is so cute! Is his eye really like that? Maybe it is the sun…(It was the sun) I was alone for to long! You gave him the chance to come over! This guy isn’t the guy for you. He is a random stranger whose wife is home. No, this guy is the one who will unlock you. NO! I argue like a cracked woman in my own head. Words no one will hear but myself. Where is my neat and tidy? Where is logic?

Ok just be nice. What is your name? Mykar? Hmmm…I knew there was reason I traveled to Turkey. How do you even spell Mykar? Armenian? Like my good friends husband!   I know Armenian! Not married? Ummmm. See I told you!!! Oh stop!!! He is a kind man at the pool. Just talk….and swim. Dora comes to mind…Just keep swimming. Yes I am senseless and so is she and you just went to saw that cute little movie. The conversation drifts seamlessly. We float together with noodles. Inferences are made. You have rules! (Please note I live my Steve Harvey’s rules..No sex for at least 3 months…Not many have made it that far!  Thank you Steve!) And they are even in effect in a different state. 3 months. No breaking the rules! My little voice tells me he is the reason I had the rules in place to begin with! There are those foolish thoughts again. Go with it. Feel with your heart again. Don’t think about it This is right. This has never felt so right. No retreat! Back off. Walk away. You have dinner plans with the kids tonight.

He just touched my back. I can smell the chlorine in the air. I can feel the sun on my skin burning me on the outside like he is burning a place inside of me. Remember this moment! You will not ever want to forget. I know those hands. I have felt them before. He looked at me! Look away! Don’t let him look yet. He is still looking! Oh no! He sees who I am. I know he does. He sees past the big personality and sees me. No! I wont let that happen. But, I am sure he knows me also.

Drinks, chatting, laughing, this is how life is supposed to be. Easy and fun, and flirtatious. But it is more than that. Unlocking. me Don’t get attached in an hour or so , Rhode Island? Pretty close! So much closer than your rational thoughts of meeting someone British and moving far far away to England! But it is England and a countryside little fishing village. And we both know that will never happen…Just go yourself and enjoy the fish and chips and leave. That is rational! Why am I arguing with myself again? Jeweler? I like jewelry! Oh shoot I would say the wrong thing if I said that make note not to and make sure he knows you can get your own. Widowed? Ok this is to weird. 45? He is to young for you. You are not a cougar you did that already!   No children? He deserves children and you can’t give him that? Your daughter would love a father figure in her life and we both want someone her kids call grandpa. He has a sweet soul. And that is why he deserves to have his own! See he isn’t supposed to unlock you.

His hand touches me again. I throb in all the right places. I picture us being intimate.  Unlocking me. Stop this and be rational! You have Dinner plans with the child and one of her new working friends. Invite him! Are you insane for real!? How do you explain that to your daughter? Tell her he could be grandpa? Please!!!! You’re nuts! Keep this man away. He wouldn’t mind. He is alone on vacation and this is silly fun. Lets go! No. Don’t ask! Ok good. I wont ask. Fine! If he wants you, he will ask. Unlock me. Did I just ask for him to come? Oh no! Go get ready and stop this. Neat and tidy life.

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